Fallen
by Rickmanlover24601
Summary: Songfic to Sarah McLachlan's Fallen. Snape reflects on his decisions while he waits for his trial. Based on the trial Harry saw in Dumbledore's pensive. One shot.


**Title: Fallen**

**Note: I am starting to write a one shot for each song on Sarah McLachlan's Afterglow CD. I believe you can put Snape or Hermione in all of those songs somehow. So this is my first one, hope you guys like it. Please review!**

The atmosphere is sickening. All these hideous monsters begging and pleading, swearing and yelling. I don't belong here. I am not one of them.

I chance a glance at my left arm. There is no doubt. No matter how I feel, there it is for all to see. The brand that puts me in with all of these... Dark ones.

My trial is near approaching but I don't dare hope for forgiveness. There is no forgiveness in these judging men's souls. And why should there be? We're all misled and evil, below even the status of human beings according to them. And yes, most of us are.

I close my eyes but can't shut out the screams, the accusations, the stinging words that erupt around me like wildfire.

_Heaven bend to take my hand_

_And lead me through the fire_

I've tried so hard to rise above the mark burned, no seared, upon my flesh. It's been such a hard journey I don't know how much strength there is within me left to fight, to untangle myself from this painful mess I'm in.

I ache for some reassurance, for the chance to prove I am not who others claim I am. And yet, I know I shall be rewarded no peace. The only peace I can look forward to is my sentence. Maybe then I can shut out the pain I feel.

_Be the long awaited answer_

_To a long and painful fight_

Dumbledore is here today. I never expected him to come, to defend such a wretch as me. He doesn't stand a chance against the others who will condemn me. I feel as if I have let him down. Merlin knows I tried my best to change. I tried to put my past behind me. But it was too late, wasn't it? Too late to erase the one stupid mistake I made not so long ago. It was so easy to be misled, to get caught up in what my peers could offer me. Hah, that's a joke if ever I heard one. They are all waiting their turn today, same as me. I wonder if they have suffered as much as I have. I wonder if they have felt the utter desolation and helplessness when their friends were betrayed and suffered.

I betrayed those who would have called me friend had I given them the chance. They suffered because of me. And what have I gained from all of this? Nothing, save these chains around my wrists and the shackles around my heart. Indeed, the cost has been so much more than I can bear.

_Truth be told I tried my best_

_But somewhere along the way_

_I got caught up in all there was to offer_

_But the cost was so much more than I could bear_

I was warned not to stoop to their level, to take the easy way out, as it were. Easy? No, definitely not. I live with nightmares and stabbing pains of guilt. I have no one to blame but myself for being so foolish, so easily led astray. Though I tried to keep my head up, I fell too far, too quickly. I felt there was no other escape. But I couldn't have been more wrong. I have fallen, sunk into the earth deeper than I even thought possible.

Some would say I messed up but they couldn't sugar coat it anymore than that. What I did was despicable and unforgiving. But of course, it all comes down to today, doesn't it? _Am _I unforgivable? I believe I am. I know I could have done better. Just don't throw it back in my face that you were all right and I was wrong. I don't want to hear that you told me so. I know you did and I was the one who made the grave mistake of not listening.

_Though I've tried I've fallen_

_I have sunk so low_

_I messed up_

_Better I should know_

_So don't come round here and_

_Tell me I told you so_

There once was a good, decent person inside me. Though you may find it hard to believe, I did begin my life with good intent. When I was a young boy just beginning to learn the ways of the world, I thought I could change it, make it a better place. I dreamed of doing something amazing with my life.

Though I don't blame my stupid decisions on it, my home life wasn't exactly the best. I still had vision of the future, of becoming better than my family and undoing all the wrong they had done in the past. Of course, I soon learned that was only possible in dreams. Life is cruel and it takes more than dreams to change what goes on.

_We all begin with good intent_

_When love is raw and young_

_We believe that we could change ourselves_

_The past can be undone_

But of course, my family would always be around, present each day even if only in my own head, my own thoughts and feelings. The burden of their disapproval only increased with that which was piled on by the troubles and tribulations of school life. Time just seemed to drag on, much of the same thing happening each day. Mornings brought loneliness, dread, and anger. School boy fights reopened all the suffering and wounds left by my previous life. It was hard to cope with losing all those dreams that I had once held so dear.

_But we carry on our back the burdens time always reveals_

_In the lonely light of morning_

_In the wound that would not heal_

_It's the bitter taste of losing everything_

_I've held so dear_

Now it is my turn to be brought before the court, to have my life and motivations scrutinized. What will be the outcome, I wonder? Where can I turn in these last moments?

I have no one I could call a friend to rely on. After all, they are all chained, due for persecution today. There is a bitter cold that settles on you when you realize your life has turned upside down and nothing is as it should be.

When I look to those I used to stand happily by, they turn their heads and look away from the mirror image of themselves. They pretend they don't know why I am here. They refuse to believe that I was misled by them, that I suffer from one misstep just as they do. There is a fine line between the two lives but once you cross it in the wrong direction, there doesn't seem to be a way to be redeemed.

_Heaven bend to take my hand_

_I've no where left to turn_

_I'm lost to those I thought were friends_

_To everyone I know_

_Oh they turn their heads embarrassed_

_Pretend that they don't see_

_That it's one misstep one slip before you know it_

_And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed._


End file.
